“I don’t think man comes to faith firsthand except through despair or to knowledge of God except through doubt. It has to be a kind of watershed experience.”
Francis B Sayre
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After my psych exam (I’ll try not to bore you with the details of my day as so many other people do), I went to Creese to see if I could run into Quyen. Luckily, she was there and in need of a computer to use to type a report for political science. I was happy to oblige her the use of my Latitude™, while I passed time writing first a message to Huy for his birthday, and then in my too-often-neglected journal. It was the first entry I’d written in over a month, and I was glad to update it.
After she’d finished with her task, we went to Korman, then sat for a bit on a bench in the Quad. I sat with her while she read a scene from Julius Caesar for her poli-sci class. With time running short, I helped her get the gist of the passage–having read and reread the play back in tenth grade. In the middle of my synopsis, Jia–that oh so innocent-looking korean girl (looks are so decieving)–came by and took a seat next to me. She intruded upon my summary with repeated questions and–not wishing to ignore her–I gave hasty answers.
Quyen rose to leave minutes later and I followed to give her a hug–I do so love her hugs. Intruding upon the moment, a woman came up to us and asked if we had some time to join the Campus Christian Crusade’s Bible reading. I looked back and forth between Jia and Quyen, knowing them to be Christian and watching for their answers. Quyen had a final exam, so she couldn’t make it–although it’s questionable whether she would have wanted to even if she had had the time. Jia excused herself with a previously scheduled engagement that could not be missed.
When the proselytizer had left, I asked Jia about her denomination–she said she was Presbyterian (an offshoot of Calvinism I believe). My question satisfied, she returned with a question about my own faith. I replied that I was as yet unsure about my beliefs, although I had a keen interest in theology–especially that of Christianity.
She proceeded to preach the virtues of faith and the blessings of God. I actually was interested in what she had to say, finding discussions on religion most intriguing–given the right place and the right time. Although she seemed devout and zealousy enthusiastic about her faith, it seemed to sometimes cloud her objectivity.
She told me things I had always known about Christianity–some which I respect and some which I do not. She said to me, “Pray to him and he will give you a sign.” I will pray, but not because of her rhetoric. I will pray because it is what I’ve always done. When it seemed fate was dooming me; when terrestrial affairs seemed too formidable, too obstructive; when there was no choice left; and when I need miracles I prayed.
It is in this spirit that I offer a prayer to that god I know exists in some form–whether as a primordial force or a benevolent omniscience.
A Prayer for the Disbeliever
Dear god, please accept this prayer as it stems from my troubling doubts and innermost desires. I humbly request–though I am racked with doubt and disbelief–the wisdom to comprehend your grace and majesty.
If there exists some realm beyond this mortal world, let me realize the blessings of an immortal spirit and the boons of heaven.
Enlighten the mysteries that elude my understanding; inspire goodness and purity in my soul; ignite zealous faith to spur my future. Let knowledge and doctrine–whose importance lies in religion more than faith–open my heart to your perfection so that I might know your everlasting love.
I ask that you grant me these not only for my own sake, but to better serve you as a disciple; that I might spread my faith to those whose lives have not been illuminated by your blessed love.